you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
