You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
