dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
