apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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