Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
