Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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