i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
