Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
