Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize