Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
