I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Woke up backwards on a recliner
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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