I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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