Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Found the puke drawer
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
