god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
