Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
