the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
