She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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