Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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