You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
