turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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