I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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