one two three fourrrrnication!
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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