Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Vodka?
Forever.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
