I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
