That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
