You're a womanizer and a bitch.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Randomize
