I cut my penus on the lid.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
