I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
