i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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