In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
