soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
