my text book just quoted the cookie monster
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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