Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
