I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
