my soul wont recognize me after tonight
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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