Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
