How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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