I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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