you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
