I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
