I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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