I got chris browned last night
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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