david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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