You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
