i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Barsexuality is the new black.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
