please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
