chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
