I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
