Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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