WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Let's paint friendship bongs
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
