she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Green mimosas i think yes
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
