Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
