apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
