If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
