can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize