i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
