My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
