Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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