sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
