Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
