Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
