Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
