Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
